Because I Need to Remember: Why I Write Part III

In C.S. Lewis’ classic Narnia book The Silver Chair, these words sprang from the lips of Prince Rilan, after a March-Wiggle named Puddlegum had released him from the spell of an evil witch: “For now that I am myself I can remember that enchanted life, though while I was enchanted I could not remember my true self.”

Where I’ve Been
Allow me to refresh your memory. On June 23 I wrote a piece called Why I Write Part I. Nearly a month later I wrote Part II and shortly there after I promised that Part III was coming soon. Two months and twelve days later I have scrapped the draft that has been on my computer for a month and here we are.

I should also tell you that for several months I have been quite depressed and the pinnacle of that depression has been the last six to eight weeks. I looked for a job all summer and found nothing. I applied for fifteen jobs in all and the only place that took me in is the same place I worked at for ten years. Now I am back in the same place doing basically the same thing except with no seniority and half the pay. It’s funny how things work. Last year when I quit Erin was sad because she still had to work there. This year shortly after I came back, she finally got out of there for a much, much better job. This should, I know, be reason for rejoicing with the person I love most in this world. However, I have spent half of my time swimming in waves of sadness and regret. I have been under the spell of my own misery, complaining and self loathing. But I am waking from my enchantment.

Who I am Instead
I know that this is supposed to be the promised part about self forgetting objectivity and here I am 323 words in and all I have talked about is my current job situation. You may (or may not at this point) remember that I started this experiment with several quotes, one of them being from Jurgen Moltman, who writes, “My own experiences with theological thinking have in Christian theology: the telling of God’s history with us, and the argument for God’s presence – biographical subjectivity and self forgetting objectivity” (Experiences in Theology xix). The point of this exploration in thought was to try to figure out a bit about what compels me to write about my experiences with the Christian faith. It is important to make the distinction: I am not writing about why I believe what I believe rather I am asking why I write about what I believe.

The answer? Because I forget who I am. I spend so much time thinking about where I am, my particular place in time and space: stuck in a job I don’t like, ready to be done with my undergraduate studies, wanting so desperately to move out of West Michigan, thinking about kids, buying a house or where to apply for seminary, constantly wondering what comes next. I am enchanted by the drama. I look for my identity in my accomplishments and my desires. I often forget that ultimately it’s our identity in relation to Christ that dictates who and what we are.

I wrote back in June that environment, authority, and personal experience will all play a role influencing what we perceive to be the truth. However, I said that I still believe when it is all said and done there is really only one truth – one way the story actually goes – though we may find a thousand different ways to read it. I still believe that today more than ever. I believe that we have potential to think clearly and accurately on matters of the faith and at the same time I believe more than ever that some of the beliefs I hold will be inevitably wrong. However I am spending less time bemoaning the fact that environment, authority, and personal experience influence what and how we believe and more time dwelling on the hope that in spite of the history of corruption of power in the world and in the Church and in spite of our varied and sometimes sordid stories or personalities, God can be trusted to work in history leading his people into love wisdom and truth.

The Environment
Our environment will always influence who we are to some degree. However, we do have some choice as to where we spend our time and to where we turn our thoughts. The Christian Church is the environment that has had and I pray will continue to have the greatest impact on my life. Each week the liturgy and hymns of faith remind me that I am part of something so much greater than myself, something so much deeper than my darkest worries, something that extends wider and farther than my highest hopes could ever reach. The sacraments remind me that some things in this life are sacred – a deep spiritual meaning embodied in bread and wine or the waters of baptism. And there is the community. This is the first time in my life that I have ever felt somewhat alienated from the Christian community. The reasons for this are mixed and varied and I am not even sure I know myself well enough right now to honestly say what those reasons are. However, I will continue to seek out Christian community. I know that this feeling of alienation is probably due at least in part to the way I feel about myself at this time, and at least partially due to the way we all struggle to open ourselves up to lasting and meaningful relationships. However, my renewed ambition to be a part of authentic Christian community is not because I have correctly assessed what’s wrong but because I do know how it can be when it’s right. It’s never perfect but it is so right when we carry each other’s burdens and go through this life together. In the hearts, homes, prayers, and arms of other believers is where we belong if we acknowledge that we belong to Christ.

Authority
The traditions of the Church – the Sacraments, the Liturgical year, creeds and confessions – are rooted in the biblical narrative: in the Hebrew and New Testament scriptures. They are thousands of years in the making. They have cradled countless Christians and affirmed their faith in the face of heresy, an antagonistic age of enlightenment and the pluralistic age of our present time. Sure some things are not perfect. Yes, sometimes we disagree about how confessions are worded or how many Sacraments there are. However, we must remember, many creeds were formulated because Christians throughout the ages have learned that it is terribly easy to get things terribly wrong – to deny the blessed Trinity for instance. The triune God is something we get a glimpse of in scripture but it is spelled out in much greater detail in the Nicene and Athanasian Creeds. I may not agree word for word with the warning at the beginning of the Athenasian Creed and its implicit damnation of all who fail to grasp the Trinity. However, I can affirm its heavy tone and the emphasis it places on the importance of sound doctrine and careful reflection regarding our triune God. And of course there is the favorite of so many (myself included) the creed of all Ecumenical Creeds: The Apostles’ Creed. Each week as I stand and affirm it, I am participating with countless other Christians across the world and throughout time. And I am reminded this is not about me.

My Personal Experience
So what possesses a person to sit all night in front of their keyboard and work on an end-cap to a series of blog post when the few people who were interested have probably forgotten about it?

Here I am awake. Here I can remember the enchantment I have been under and gain some perspective on it. But while I wander through my days asleep with my eyes open I cannot remember for the life of me who I am here. When I swim in the sea of my own despair or even if I blissfully stay afloat in the wading pool of my own accomplishments I lose a sense of true identity, a sense of who I am in Christ. But here I remember. I sit here not to convert, convince or proselytize any friends or strangers who may chance upon this (although I would love to connect with you in dialogue). I sit here tonight and write because I need to remember.

And just maybe, maybe in doing so I will remind you of something good, something beatiful, something true.

Shalom,
Wayne